so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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