she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I deserve this hangover.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
