It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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