his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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