did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We were destined to go to rehab together
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
