i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
