Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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