He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
