this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
3pm strippers are depressing
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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