hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
