I love black thongs
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
