There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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