I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
