the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
