I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize