Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
