Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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