He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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