i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
