How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
