My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
