worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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