6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
