allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
she told me i tasted like america
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
