I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
