On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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