Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
