mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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