i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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