I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
