I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
