I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
