he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
