Your mouth is God's brothel.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
