Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
