My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
