I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
