hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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