I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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