So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
