Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
