she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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