tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
