I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
