When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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