I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
