I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
