ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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