it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
