You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
