god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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