Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
