Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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