I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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