omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
