I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
