the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
