Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just pynch a tree in the face
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
